Lacking optimism

I have been in my head all day today. I struggle to know if I’m making good parenting decisions. I have one child who would move out today if I let them and one child who would never leave my side. So constantly my instincts are to hold on to the one who wants to go and push out the one who wants to stay. It’s a strange existence.

The truth is, time speeds by so much faster than I am comfortable with. My body is telling me that I am aging but I still have a hard time believing it. I am a cliche.

A thing that happens when you live with a young woman is that you watch her become more luminous and lovely every day while simultaneously watching your own descent into decrepitude. Life is fleeting.

Some of this is born out of my deepening feelings of disconnect with this world. Our country is perpetrating terrible crimes against humanity at our southern border. At the same time my state is trying to push through legislation that could potentially bankrupt my family in the name of protecting the environment. I want to protest both things but I don’t know where I fit.

I don’t fit anywhere. It’s clear to me every time I talk to someone who disagrees with what I’m doing at work. It’s clear to me every time I go to church. It’s clear to me every time I open Twitter.

Sometimes I just want to yell. Everything I do is born out of my desire to make things better in this broken, broken world. Today I do not feel very optimistic.